I’m approaching 40 now. Over 20 years have flown since Anna left me – still I love her. But she hasn’t been my only love. I’ve dated models, a writer, a musician, artists, even a girl who became a nun. Amongst them all, two I really loved and really lost.

Here’s what I want to say – I spent so much of my life hating myself, trying to figure out what was wrong, why my loves left. That question scorched my mind. Look, I don’t know you, in a way I’m just talking to myself, but I identify with your expression of pain and I want to say to you don’t, please don’t keep looking at yourself trying to figure out what’s wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself; don’t hate yourself; don’t harm yourself. A few years back I finally realised that what’s ‘wrong’ is the best part of me: I think a bit different to most other people, on personality tests I’m an extreme carer, politically I’m way out on the anarchist left, more collectivist and less authoritarian than Gandhi. Perhaps I’m strange – but in a good way. And I guess in your own way the same is true of you. Lovers come, and all too quickly lovers go. It doesn’t happen in the fairy tales, but in reality it’s the truth for most of us. A talented poet named Flavia once wrote about her deep insecurity. She is the most beautiful and intelligent person I’ve ever meet. I knew another girl, a Miss Brazil International, who once cried tears on my shoulder because she felt so alone. It’s true for all of us – the beautiful, the intelligent, the kind, the talented – lovers come and all too quickly lovers go. I know of no solution. I cannot believe the pain I have travelled through. But I do know now, that pain doesn’t mean something is wrong.
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I think it would be helpful for you to think about who he is now rather than who he was when you guys were together. He is obviously not in a place to be in a relationship and has opted to put himself before you. There is no way you would want to remain in that kind of relationship, where someone doesn’t think about your well-being before his. Hopefully, that makes sense to you.

The decision he’s made is ultimately a selfish one. And if you keep that in mind, you’ll realize how important it is to keep true to yourself and eventually you will come across someone who can truly appreciate a relationship with you. Also, you never know, perhaps you guys will resume your relationship later down the line, once time has passed and you both realize what you still mean to each other. Be strong, confident in yourself, and also optimistic for whatever may come. I wish the best for you!
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1) Cry and cry and cry. It’s important to let yourself feel sad about losing something that was important to you. I listen to sad music and just let myself feel it as much as I can.

2) Surround myself with girlfriends. They truly are the best people to cheer you up when you’re down about a guy.

3) Get a haircut or go shopping. It helps to feel really beautiful when you’re going through a period of time where you feel wretched on the inside.

4) Take some yoga classes. Before I took up yoga I would run, but the problem with that is that my head would still be spinning with thoughts. Yoga is the only exercise I’ve ever experienced where you literally don’t think about anything else for the full hour you’re there. It’s incredible.

It’s going to be hard. But with time it will get easier and you will be okay.
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