Stop the Pain of Break Up NOW Before It's Too Late!

It’s been almost three months since I found out about my husbands affair. We are tryong to work thru it. I cry about it everyday, sometimes all day. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, (taking a shower, driving, cooking) I just have those painful memories of his affair flutter into my mind and I start crying. I feel like I can’t control it. How long is this supposed to last?

Well, it sounds like you’ve had some helpful advice, but mostly a lot of people who offer nothing but their opinion in people who cheat. I’m sorry for that. Unfortunately infidelity happens, but most marriages do not end in its wake.

What you are experiencing is normal and the time it takes varies with each person. But the affair is still fresh for you—you have not been crying for abnormally long yet. Healing takes months to even a few years for some. Three months is early in the process—you are still in the shock stages.

•What are you doing to repair your marriage?
•Are you in marriage counseling?
If not, go now! If he won’t go with you, go alone!
In addition to counseling find a support group for yourself. There are many online forums for dealing with and recovering from infidelity.
•Do you attend church? If so talk to your minister.
•Is your husband working with you to heal?
•Has he agreed to end the affair and stop contacting the OW?
If there is OW contact, will your husband tell you? Consider that unless he sees her regularly at work, if there is contact and he fails to tell you, what will you then believe if you find out later? He may fail to tell you for honourable reasons: he wants to avoid reminding you and having a tear festival, but in the long run he will build trust by telling you.
•Is he willingly answering your questions about the affair?
•Is he now being accountable for his time?
•Did he disclose the infidelity or did you discover it?
If you discovered it, did he admit it immediately or deny first?

•Do you know what made your husband vulnerable to an affair? Did you experience any serious life changes within a year before the affair began—moving, deaths, births, job changes…?
oDid he feel neglected or that he had unfulfilled needs?
oWas he avoiding conflict or the opposite, intimacy?
•When did the affair start and how long did it last?
•What kind of infidelity was it?
oJust Sex—friends with benefits, though more than a one-night stand
oEmotionally-bonded where he thought he was in-love—don’t be mislead by that term, it’s really just addictive infatuation junk.
oOne-night…or a few over a weekend business trip or similar
•How did he juggle the affair with his home life—how did he keep the secret?

These are all questions that can be addressed through counseling. Your husband may not know the answers in specific ways.

Recovery from an affair is a big job. Your husband may be experiencing emotional difficulty if he was in an emotionally-bonded affair and now is not experiencing the addictive highs. He may not want to share this with you because it may make you feel worse or will bring on more tears—and being male tears scare him because he doesn’t know what to do.

It is not your job to fix your husband—that’s his job. It is not his job to fix you—that’s your job. But both of you needs to listen to each other. If he doesn’t seem understanding of your pain, it’s because he’s not. This doesn’t mean he’s cold-hearted and callous. But he is on the other side of it. He doesn’t know what it feels like for you. He just wants the mess to go away and wants to fix it. But that’s not how it works. He may think that not talking about it will help since talking about it just makes you more upset. But Sweetie, I’m sorry that’s part of the process of recovery. You are going to be upset.

You can rebuild your marriage and it can be stronger than before. But that’s not going to happen overnight or in another week or even another month.

Books to read—listed alphabetically by author
•’After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.’ By Janis Abrahms Spring
This is the #1 rated book in the Couples & Family Therapy category on Amazon.
•’My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.’ By Anne Bercht
This is a personal account. The author also runs the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) website listed below in the website resources.
•’Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.’ By Shirley P. Glass
This is long, but an excellent information text filled with statistics.
•’Surviving an Affair.’ Willard F. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
This book reviews specific strategies for recovery. The authors’ website is listed below—marriagebuilders.
•’Infidelity: A Survival Guide.’ By Don-David Lusterman
This is relatively short ~ 200 pages, and more informational than instructional, but the information is excellent.
•’The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It.’ By M. Gary Neuman
I haven’t read the book, but the author has been guest on Oprah. He discussed statistics.
•’Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.’ By Frank S. Pittman
I love this book. It’s older than the others, but an excellent resource of information.
•’Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On –

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hi im 14 and me and my boyfriend have been going out for 4 months and he is the first person to kiss me, first boy to tell me he loves me, and hes the first person ive ever fallen in love with. I swear i thought i would be with him forever he was absolultley perfect i loved him more than i loved myself and more than i loved this planet. he ment the absolute world to me. We both were in love with each other, we wouuld lay on the grass together and watch the stars, run through sprinklers, go everywhere together. And randomly in the past few days he was acting different and he didnt seem like he loved me, and i kept asking him wut was wrong and he just kept saying he doesnt know. And i asked him if he loved me and he said "i really dont know anymore" and he said i didnt do anything hes just confused. And he told me he has to talk to me tonight and that means he wants to break up and i asked him if we could see eachother tomorrow night and try to work things out and were gunna see eachother tomorrow but he said he doesnt know if he wants to fix it. And i swear ive never felt such pain before in my heart and my body, im crying my heart out right now. I wanna die, ill never find love again. ive never been so hurt, i feel like theres nothing to live for anymore, he was my ONLY happiness. I would cry at night cuz i missed him even tho i saw him just a few hours ago, i wrote him a 4 page letter telling him how much i love him. I feel like my heart has just been ripped out and thrown away. ive never felt so down someone please help me. please. I dont know wuts going on, i dont know why hes randomly acting like this. I dont know why god is taking the most important thing away from me.

WHATEVER THE MIND CAN BELIEVE, IT CAN ALWAYS ACHIEVE….ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS JUST HAVE A DESIRE….THE REST IS YOURS….ITS IS NOT A THEORY IT IS A LAW….A LAW USED BY HENRY FORD,JOHN D ROCKEFELLER,EDISON AND BILL GATES…..

Technorati Tags: boyfriend, breakup, crying, Heart