Stop the Pain of Break Up NOW Before It's Too Late!

just broke up wid my girl of seven years. she had to work abroad coz she had problems here.we were apart for a year but the communication was always there. during that one year we already planned wat to do when she comes back. the usuall stuff about getting married and planning on going abroad together. the day came when she came home, i just knew there was something wrong. when we talked about our plans, she told me that i was the only one who wanted marriage. and that i was the only one making plans for both of us.damn! for what was the hours spent talking over the phone! i really felt like shit. really. after all the preparations, it came down to this. i spent one nyt thinking it over and decided that it was time for me to end this. after 7 years, its over. how do i move on? just want it to be easier. not feeling pain.

It all takes time. Time heals the pain and the hurt. Go out with friends, keep busy.

Technorati Tags: break, recovering

who you know for 4 yrs now? You did everything with him, i mean everything.

u can never recover

Technorati Tags: break, guy, long, recover

My fiance (ex fiance) left us. Just like that, pregnant, and i have a daughter with him, and MY oldest as well. He didn’t even say goodbye, didn’t let us know he was leaving or anything. I understand if he wasn’t into the relationship anymore, but he didn’t have to leave just like that. I don’t care that he left me, but the kids! It hurt… it hurts, really bad. His relatives said he went back to his hometown.
I, so badly, want to go look for him there, and ask him why he left just like that. He didn’t have to leave the way he did. He didn’t take any of his belongings, he just left with his nosey ass dad, whom by the way, is always in our business, along with the rest of his family.

What would you do if this happend to you?
Would you go and find that person to get an explanation, for closure?
Is closure something everyone NEEDS?
How do you feel about that?
I dont really want advice on what I should do, I know I should move on…the question is, should I find him, and ask for an explanation, so I can get closure, or how do you feel about "closure" in general?

I don’t think that there is ever a good way of leaving, but he could be a man, and discuss things with you about how things are going to be going forward – re children most importantly. I get the feeling his family may have something to do with it. But he is an adult, and he can make decisions himself. I would look for him, but not for closure, but to discuss the children’s future.

Technorati Tags: answer, break, closure, feel

It’s been about 2 weeks since my ex and I broke up and I have been seeking for answers this whole time. She broke things off because she felt like she needed to get done with school and couldn’t handle the pressures of a relationship at the moment. We are 21 and 22.

The first night she texted me saying how she wish it wasn’t this way and that she loves me and just wants to be with me.

However, the next few days it turns into her leaving because of me and her locking up and becoming cold and defensive. All of a sudden I see the whole "school and relationship stress" as an easy exit from me – a way she won’t feel as guilty about.

Now my problem is I don’t know how to bring this up to her without her becoming SUPER defensive. All she says is that "it is what is is. stop bugging me." Its turned into me being the reason she broke up. So I am a bit lost.

I understand she has been through a lot in life and I really haven’t so she says she doesn’t have the patience for me
to become a "man" and grow up. Even though she was happy with me and I was "everything she ever wanted in her life."

I had some growing up to do and wasn’t very experienced in the dating world and in general life but I wasn’t a complete idiot about everything. She thinks she needs more of a "man" than me but what I saw with her through the year we were together is that she is EXTREMELY hard to please. She’s never satisfied and so I need some help laying this out to her in an upfront way without causing drama.

I need to get this off my chest. She is such a defensive mean person though that I don’t know what to do. She is going to call me today to talk about things but I just am now "afraid" of being upfront with her because I know what will happen she will just shoot me down and get defensive.

I need closure in this thing and I need to get this stuff off of my chest.

She sounds alot like my ex.. I tell you from experience.. let her go.. She will become someone elses problem. You really do not need answers because it sounds like you know the answer already.. She is INSANE!! Even if she wanted to break away.. she doesn’t have to be mean or defensive.. trust me.. save your energy.. you will never win with this person no matter how hard you try or how right you are. Please listen.. I have been there… let her go!!!

Technorati Tags: break, closure, relationship

I just broke up with a guy I was dating for 6 months, even though we both knew that we weren’t right for each other, and that the relationship should have ended sooner. What kept us there was a strong physical attraction, but we weren’t really that compatible otherwise. Ultimately, I ended it. I tried to do it in person, but he wasn’t receptive to it, so I did it by email. That ended in a blood bath. Apologies were made, but it left me wounded, and I don’t think it was good for either of us. Any suggestions on how to right this wrong, and leave the relationship on a good note?

Breaking up with someone is never easy, even under the very BEST circumstances. It sounds to me like you’ve already done the hard parts (admitting that a purely a physical attraction DOES NOT make a relationship and ultimately ending it).

Now you have to fully come to terms with what has happened. You said in your post that you’ve been wounded by this experience……why do you feel it is so important to leave things on a "good note". Someone who REALLY cares about you- even if it didn’t work out- would NEVER purposefully or knowingly wound you. It sounds to me like you would like to preserve a friendship of sorts with this person…….I don’t think it’s possible, viable, or more importantly HEALTHY! There is no need to hang on to this………let go and you will be all the better for doing so. Accept the fact that it is truly done, over, finished, the fat lady sang and caught her flight out of town. Now relax and take a big deep breath.

Get back to the gym, read a good book, have a day at the spa, spin your favorite tunes, buy a new outfit, do whatever makes you feel good. Focus on all the positive things you have in your life and CHOOSE to put yourself in positive situations and around positive people. I should add that his circle of friends or stomping grounds is NOT included in any of those options.

A few parting words of caution, don’t be quick to jump into another relationship. Explore what it is that you truly want for yourself and don’t settle for anything less. Dream BIG!!! And when you do start looking for that special "someone" again, make sure that they love you for ALL the wonderful things you have to offer. Good luck and stay well.

Technorati Tags: bad, break, recovering, suggestions

My gf and I have been together for three years straight, then off and on for anther two years. She’s my first gf and the only girl I loved like this (so far). Though I had other gf’s during our two year on and off relationships, I always break up with the others whenever she wants to get back again. Recently we broke up again because she said she was tired of me (again). I love her still, but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I got some advice and my friends told me that what we need is a formal closure. How do you do that? What happens in a closure? Does that really help? How do you do a closure?

If you really love her then honestly you might not ever have a proper "closure". If you love her in your heart that much then probably she will always in some way be a part of your life, whether you are together with her or not. I am a lot older than you I would say from yr pic, but I had a thing like this and everyone thought and I thought that I should get over it. I would just say don’t hope too much for a "closure" because that is not exactly how it is. Just move on with your life. I did a lot to try to achieve a "closure" but it really just made me a horrible and sad person. You can’t say that person never happened in your life, just be glad for the good times you had and hopefully it will get better. Take care and laugh when you can. lol.

Technorati Tags: break, closure, good

So here is what I’m dealing with. Excuse me if I jumps around and if it’s long. I’m trying to put it the best way that I know how so that you have all information to answer.

When my ex and I were still dating I came to his place the one night to ask questions about our relationship because I knew that something was up because he just wasn’t the same person a week or two earlier( He did tell me some stuff during those few weeks that were bothering him, but I knew that there had to be something more). That was when he told me that he thought that he was ready for a relationship again, but wasn’t. He said that he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be 100 percent committed to one and that it wasn’t fair to me for me to be dragged through one…..[A brief history about him: has lived with an on-and-off ex for 3 years. Moved out a few times. Called the relationship bad. Said that he kept going back to her because he thought that he could make her change. Have more fun in life. Says that they are just friends. Has told me that they do still talk and go out for drinks. Found text messages (while we were dating)(and yes I know that that was bad) to think they could be more than just friends. I'm thinking Friends with Benifits(which really hurts me. I don't get the whole 'friends with benefits' thing, but that is a whole different issue. I just believe in morals, that's all).]

After he told me that he didn’t feel ready for a relationship I asked him if he still has feelings for me and he said ‘yes’. I asked him if he thought that there was a chance that we would get back together and he said ‘yes’. I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex(the on-off ex) and he said ‘no’. That he lost those feelings for her. When I was getting ready to leave his place we hugged for a good minute or two. A real good-hold hug. After the hug he placed my head in his hands and kissed me on the forehead. And that was that. About a month later(his work requires him to fly out week-on week-off) I came and got my things only to find that the on-off ex was there. I asked how he could do this to me and that I thought that he still had feelings for me. He said that he does have feelings for me. So then I asked him why she was there because it looked like they were back together(yeah I know. I was jumping the gun on this one. My mind thinks way too much) and he said that they were not. Practiaclly yelled it at me. Said that he couldn’t explain things right now. Then there was silence and then walked away. The following week after he got back from work we talked for about an hour on Facebook. I appologized for my part in the argument that we had when I came to get my things (first arguement that we’ve ever had. Had none while dating) Said that it was just hard to accept his answer when she was there. I told him that he really hurt me. He started telling me that he was sorry for a lot of things and was telling me how he was feeling. That it was hard for him to talk because like most men talking doesn’t come easily. So I thought things were starting to mend. Doors were opening again. A few days later his Facebook status said that he is lonely, but like anything the on-off ex comes to the rescue with a ‘when you’re lonely someone is thinking of you’ funpost. And then a few days after that he drove by my place (I live on a farm and he’s never been to my farm, but I have shown him where it is). And that was it.

It’s been 3 months since we broke up and 2 months since since we last had any conversation with each other. I have tried twice since the FB chat to open conversation. Once through a personal letter that I sent in the mail (I think that letter got to him. Did not receive it back telling me that it was not the right address. The only reason why I say I think he got it is because he still gets his mail through his on-off ex’s mailbox.Yeah, big warning sign, I know. I’ve told him that too in the letter) telling him how I’ve been feeling and that I didn’t want to pressure him into anything, but that when he was ready to talk and give me answers that I will be there. And just last week I wrote him an short email saying congratulations on the new job, best of luck. I only found that out from a post the on-off ex sent him saying congrats and how proud she was and best of luck with luv from her and her two kids(kids that are not his by the way). He deleted it the next day. I got no response from my little congrats email. Not even a thank you.

So I guess my questions are: Why the kiss on the forehead? Does he really still have feelings for his ex when he has told me otherwise? Is she a ‘Friends with Benefits’ ex? Why won’t he talk to me other than a few joke emails that he still sends ( I know that I get filtered now because I don’t get as many as when we were dating)? Is this his way of getting over me? Why delete the FB message from the on-off ex about the new job and being so proud, blah, blah, blah with luv….? Why tell me that
I do still have feelings for him.
I see that some lines got missed out. Here is what got mIs this his way of getting over me? Why delete the FB message from the on-off ex about the new job and being so proud, blah, blah, blah with luv….? Why tell me that he still has feelings for me when maybe there really isn’t? Why talk to me about marriage and kids and furniture for ‘our’ cabin while we were dating? Was he just being kind? I don’t want kind, I want the truth and if that hurts then so be it. I’ve been depressed since the break up and I’ve NEVER been this depressed before. Some days are better than others. I’m trying to move on with my life, but it is hard when the one person that I want to talk to me won’t. I live in a small town and have no friends around. I pretty much get up, go to work and come home. I cry often. Sometimes to sleep. My work has suffered since the break up. Can’t concentrate. I do talk to friends on-line but it’s not the same as having someone right there with you.
I think that I would be able to move on if he would only talk to me and tell me the truth. That if he doesn’t have feelings for me and is back with the on-off ex then tell me. I would be furious with him for leading me on, but would see that he doesn’t want me in his life and would move on. I need closure and feel like I’m not getting that because I’m not getting any answers. Answers to which I think that I deserve. Is it wrong of me to think that? Sometimes people say that sometimes it’s better to not know and just leave things as is. But I say how can you find closure if you don’t know? It has been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is also said that out of sight is out of mind. How can those two be reconciled? Which one is right? Which one is wrong? My mind is going a mile a minute with all these different scenarios of what he could be doing when he’s home or thinking and I know that this is a killer for me and I shouldn’t be doing it.
I wish that my mind would just stop. I’m just confused and so alone. Could he just be as confused and alone as I am and is scared to talk?

Yes. It’s clear you still have feelings for him.

When you first began to notice changes in him- – - that was AFTERthe tide turned in his life – - – whatever it may have been.

That he felt compelled to tell you that he didn’t think it was fair fo you (yada-yada), was his attempt to back out of the relationship gracefully.

The kiss on the forehead was another indicator from him that the relationship had diminished to a less-than-intimate status.

It sounds like on-off ex offers him something strong enough to pull him back, again & again.

It also sounds like on-off ex offers something strong enough to make him leave, again & again.

It sounds like this guy may several issues of his own.

I am inclined to believe that YOU were a commercial between quarters of the big game.

When love ends, it always seems to be final. As in, "that was the love of my life; without that person, I am nothing; that person was PERFCT for me; NO ONE will have the things that person had to offer; I will NEVER meet anyone like that again; I am DOOMED to be loveless for the rest of my life."

Seek out men who WANT to be with you: like the old saying "turn it free: if it likes you enough, it’ll come back. . ."

Ensure that the men in whom you are interested are available physically & emotionally- – -otherwise you are torturing yourself and wasting time.

Right now, you need to focus on taking care of yourself & respecting yourself.

Locate your strengths and work to your strengths: you will gain confidence through your success and with confidence, you will attract the attention of other men.

Learn to savor your lonely life- – - it is peaceful, it is quiet, you are free. . . it may be VERY DEPRESSING at first, but if I can do it- – - anyone can do it.

Contact me if I have struck a chord or if you just care to vent, okay?

I know misery. Misery knows me. Misery and I are best friends.
———————————————————————————

I am worried about you. . .

As I said, I have been there – - -EXACTLY where you are.

My pain was practically intolerable- – -very nearly so.

Please read my short story:

I was divorced after 20 years with no good answers as to why THAT went sour (bad enough), but then: I rebounded into a relationship with a girl who told me EVERYTHING I wanted to hear. Love, Future, Plans for this & that etc etc etc. She turned out to be an alcoholic. . . I had NO IDEA just how miserable life could be. Now I know. I am free & sane. Generally happy, trying to understand that I am NOT lonely.
It is hard.

Coming out of the divorce— my ex got all the friends. I have always been a loyal loner: best friend=spouse & maybe one ofr two others IF THERE IS TIME. I live in a HUGE metropolitan area. Everyone works alot and has no time.

So, EXACTLY like you, I found myself alarmingly alone at a time shortly after my mother father & grandmother had died.

I felt very abandoned and VERY lonely.

That is my story.

To help myself, I try to help others.

Your mind will go a thousand miles a minute.
You will try very hard to make sense of it all.
You will be very depressed and alienated.
You will lose sleep.
You will cry.

You may never find closure. . .

Once you realize that frustration and self-torture you are living through, you WILL BEGIN to accept the futility of it all.

Once you begin to accept that you will never understand your pain, you will s l o w l y find peace.

I read a book that helped me very much- – - "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. He lives in Vancouver, BC.

This is roughly Tolle’s approach. (I am WAY oversimplifying it.)

Ask yourself how you are feeling.
If you are feel ing good, just check in again later.

If you are feeling bad, identify the cause:
=> Is there anything YOU can do to stop the bad feeling?
===> If ‘yes’: take action and make the bad feeling stop.
===> If there is nothing YOU can do to stop the bad feeling,
======> You can choose to either:
==========> Live with the bad feeling & its impact on you,
==========> Or, just acknowledge to yourself that this bad feeling is real and it is making you feel really bad. Since it is out of your control, there is nothing you can do about it BUT accept it.

By repeatedly asking yourself how you are feeling at that precise moment, you will eventually come to accept this bad feeling.

(Understand that one of the reasons you feel bad, is that there is SO MUCH about the situation that you don’t know & CANNOT ACCEPT!!!! )

So, Tolle’s approach is to focus on your FEELINGS. If you cannot stop the bad feelings by taking action, you can only a) choose to live with the misery, or, b) acknowledge the feeling and gradually accept it. . .

Again, I am extremely worried about you.

I feel certain that I can offer you solace.

Do not hesitate to contact me.

Technorati Tags: break, closure, find, long, relationship

This is the strangest break up I’ve ever been through although I know it was the right decision. My ex was a man who could never really open up, after over a year I felt like I never really got to know him…so many red flags ignored along the way. I am more angry with myself than anything for not moving on sooner, and for continuing to give without getting anything back. Even as we were breaking up there was no emotion, he even attempted some small talk afterward, lol. Part of me wants to write him a letter or something and tell him all the things that bothered me that I never spoke up about. I know it sounds dumb and I know I need to just move on but how can I ever get closure when I have so much I want to get off my chest? I’ve never felt this way before after a break up.

I guess it can’t hurt to get things off you chest now. It does seem a little unfair to him though. You should have said these things well before the breakup and given him a chance to work on them. Maybe that is the reason you don’t feel closure. You have these unresolved issues that you haven’t discussed.

Technorati Tags: break, closure

Everything has been good with us except for the topic of drugs. Used to be able to ignore it because it was minor, but with a new business plan that he has, it would be hard. With the business, things wouldn’t be able to be ignored.

Different morals about drugs is a very good reason to break up. Using drugs affects many areas of his life and if you are with him, your life.

1. Recreational drug use is illegal. You could be punished if you are with him when he is caught or if he has drugs in your apartment or car. Using drugs around you makes you an accomplice to illegal activity. That is pretty inconsiderate of him since you don’t even do drugs.

2. Drug usage puts him at risk for all sorts of health problems. Depending on what drugs he is doing there are many health risks. No drug use is free from health risks. If you are in a relationship with him, then your health could also be at risk. If you have a child together the child could be at risk.

3. Drug usage often leads to harder drugs. Maybe you don’t mind the drugs he is using now, but where will this road lead? Are you sure there aren’t already harder drugs involved that he hides from you?

4. Using drugs illegaly often brings you in contact with undesirable people, some can be dangerous. As his girlfriend you are a potential target as well.

5. Using drugs puts people at a higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases. As his partner you know where that leaves you.

6. If your relationship grows into a long term committment are you ready for all of these issues and the thousands I haven’t mentioned? What about healthcare bills? Mental health issues? Loss of trust?

In short: OF COURSE drug use is a good reason to break up with someone! It doesn’t mean you are judgemental or look down on them, or want to control them. It just means you are a person who can make decisions for themselves about what you want in your future. And you have every right to those decisions. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Technorati Tags: boyfriend, break, drugs, morals

she say she falls in and out of love easily and that while at college she started to fall out of love with me. then she came back and fell back in love wih me but she thinks she should be single. or at least not with me. how do i respond to this? should i try to win her over and be really sweet and make her love me and remind her why she loves me or just let her go?

yeah its easy to fall in and out of love until you find the right person but shes probably, most likely, just saying that so that when ur in college she can sleep around and i bet u ANYTHING that if u break up and after college or somethin shell come crawlin back butyeah shes probably just sayin that so she wont hafta cheat or anything but i think u should let her go because yeah its hard to be away from ur bf/gf but if they TRUELY loved you then theyd wait with no problem except missing u

Technorati Tags: break, colleges, decides, girlfriend