When will I stop crying over his affair?
It’s been almost three months since I found out about my husbands affair. We are tryong to work thru it. I cry about it everyday, sometimes all day. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, (taking a shower, driving, cooking) I just have those painful memories of his affair flutter into my mind and I start crying. I feel like I can’t control it. How long is this supposed to last?
Well, it sounds like you’ve had some helpful advice, but mostly a lot of people who offer nothing but their opinion in people who cheat. I’m sorry for that. Unfortunately infidelity happens, but most marriages do not end in its wake.
What you are experiencing is normal and the time it takes varies with each person. But the affair is still fresh for you—you have not been crying for abnormally long yet. Healing takes months to even a few years for some. Three months is early in the process—you are still in the shock stages.
•What are you doing to repair your marriage?
•Are you in marriage counseling?
If not, go now! If he won’t go with you, go alone!
In addition to counseling find a support group for yourself. There are many online forums for dealing with and recovering from infidelity.
•Do you attend church? If so talk to your minister.
•Is your husband working with you to heal?
•Has he agreed to end the affair and stop contacting the OW?
If there is OW contact, will your husband tell you? Consider that unless he sees her regularly at work, if there is contact and he fails to tell you, what will you then believe if you find out later? He may fail to tell you for honourable reasons: he wants to avoid reminding you and having a tear festival, but in the long run he will build trust by telling you.
•Is he willingly answering your questions about the affair?
•Is he now being accountable for his time?
•Did he disclose the infidelity or did you discover it?
If you discovered it, did he admit it immediately or deny first?
•Do you know what made your husband vulnerable to an affair? Did you experience any serious life changes within a year before the affair began—moving, deaths, births, job changes…?
oDid he feel neglected or that he had unfulfilled needs?
oWas he avoiding conflict or the opposite, intimacy?
•When did the affair start and how long did it last?
•What kind of infidelity was it?
oJust Sex—friends with benefits, though more than a one-night stand
oEmotionally-bonded where he thought he was in-love—don’t be mislead by that term, it’s really just addictive infatuation junk.
oOne-night…or a few over a weekend business trip or similar
•How did he juggle the affair with his home life—how did he keep the secret?
These are all questions that can be addressed through counseling. Your husband may not know the answers in specific ways.
Recovery from an affair is a big job. Your husband may be experiencing emotional difficulty if he was in an emotionally-bonded affair and now is not experiencing the addictive highs. He may not want to share this with you because it may make you feel worse or will bring on more tears—and being male tears scare him because he doesn’t know what to do.
It is not your job to fix your husband—that’s his job. It is not his job to fix you—that’s your job. But both of you needs to listen to each other. If he doesn’t seem understanding of your pain, it’s because he’s not. This doesn’t mean he’s cold-hearted and callous. But he is on the other side of it. He doesn’t know what it feels like for you. He just wants the mess to go away and wants to fix it. But that’s not how it works. He may think that not talking about it will help since talking about it just makes you more upset. But Sweetie, I’m sorry that’s part of the process of recovery. You are going to be upset.
You can rebuild your marriage and it can be stronger than before. But that’s not going to happen overnight or in another week or even another month.
Books to read—listed alphabetically by author
•’After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.’ By Janis Abrahms Spring
This is the #1 rated book in the Couples & Family Therapy category on Amazon.
•’My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.’ By Anne Bercht
This is a personal account. The author also runs the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) website listed below in the website resources.
•’Not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.’ By Shirley P. Glass
This is long, but an excellent information text filled with statistics.
•’Surviving an Affair.’ Willard F. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.
This book reviews specific strategies for recovery. The authors’ website is listed below—marriagebuilders.
•’Infidelity: A Survival Guide.’ By Don-David Lusterman
This is relatively short ~ 200 pages, and more informational than instructional, but the information is excellent.
•’The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It.’ By M. Gary Neuman
I haven’t read the book, but the author has been guest on Oprah. He discussed statistics.
•’Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.’ By Frank S. Pittman
I love this book. It’s older than the others, but an excellent resource of information.
•’Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On –
probably the rest of your life.
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IT’S ALL IN YOUR HANDS.MOVE ON OR LIVE A VERY MISERABLE LIFE.
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You will Probably be like that for the rest of your life
no seriously, you will never get over that.
That’s one of the reasons i would never stay with someone who cheated. I would never put myself through that pain every day…sooo good luck with that.
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You need to get some counseling to deal with this. Its been going on to long.
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im not really sure, why dont you and hubby go and talk to someone. good luck and i hope it works out for you.
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That’s horrible :/, it may take years or the rest of your life. Like babby_jane said.
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1:im sorry.
2:why are you crying? if he was cheating on you why would you want him back?
3:to stop crying. think about how much of an a-s-s-h-o-l-e he is and your sadness will turn into hate.
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dont work threw it once a cheater awlawys will be kick him to the curb !!!!!!!!!!!
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When you find a man that doesn’t cheat on you and treats you right.
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You will Probably be like that for the rest of your life
no seriously, you will never get over that.
That’s one of the reasons i would never stay with someone who cheated. I would never put myself through that pain every day…sooo good luck with that.
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if it’s been 3 months and you’re still crying everyday you should really sit down and do some self analyzation. is this something you can get over? if the answer is no just be honest with yourself and him.
have you tried couples therapy?
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Three months isn’t a very long time. My ex husband used to cheat on me and that was years ago, if I think about it sometimes I still feel a pain. It’s something that you will never completely get over. That is why cheating is so destructive. The love of your life betrayed you and gave someone else the love that he was supposed to have only for you.
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Is your husband aware of this? What is he doing to help? You really are ultimately responsible for how you feel, but obviously in a situation like this he has a high level of responsibility as well. I hope he’s being as loving and supportive and corrective and cooperative as he can possibly be, that will help you to heal faster. All you can do is give it time, and it WILL get better. I reccomend couples counseling, it really does work for people who are willing to really be open to it and to truly work on the suggestions given. Best of luck to you, I really feel for you, I know where you are at right now. It DOES get better.
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heres my point of view on this you shouldnt waste your tears on your husbands mistakes a man who chears on hois wife isnt worth anyones time you as a person should get out of there and another thing you should ask yourself is whle you are crying all day about his stupid mistake what os he doing??? this isnt your fault and you shouldnt have to go through this at anytime if your husband isnt there with you trying to make you feel better i would leave why waste your time this is your one chance at life and you could be missing out on a real great guy who wont cheat
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you should leave the basterd dont put up with any shit i know how you feel :p
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You’re grieving the marriage you thought you had and there is no timeline for recovery from something like that. You’ve been betrayed in one of the most intimate ways possible and it’s not something you’re going to get over anytime soon. If you haven’t already, you should get into counseling to help deal with your emotions. It isn’t healthy for you to cry around the clock and I’m not sure your marriage will survive if you don’t get some professional help. One thing you do have control over is how you react to his affair. You can choose to let it consume you and take over your life or you can choose to take control and stand up for yourself in your marriage. It’s all mind over matter and hopefully a professional can help you work through it. I wish you the best of luck.
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It will last about as long as you want it to. If you want to stop crying, then put your mind to something else, and get some counseling. Take your husband with you. Good luck.
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How long? Answer unknown.
But if you husband is truly repentant, then you and your relationship will heal faster than if he wasnt. Dont beat yourself up over how painful it is though. Try the sites below and see if they arent a little encouraging to you.
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http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/PageServer?pagename=mtrl_home ;
http://www.tln.com/showdetails.aspx?id=202
I agree with CC.
And, in my opinion, once a cheater always a cheater.
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My father has ruined my outlook on marriage.